Death

My great uncle died Sunday October 14, 2007 from lung cancer. He was very peaceful and died quickly. He called out for my grandma (his sister) and his son called her and told her. She came down right away. She went to his side and said, "I'm here Doyle" and he said, "Wanda....Wanda..." And he gasped for air and then died. He had a fear of dying alone and I think my grandma being there (and all his kids too) really helped. He had actually told my grandma not to let him die alone. My Aunt called me and left a message on my machine around 11pm. Ricky and I were watching TV but noticed the answering machine flashing in the kitchen when we came out for a midnight snack. My Aunt told me to call her and I knew right then. The way you just *know* something. I called her back and there was no answer. I got dressed and went right down the hill. On my way down the hill the inside lights in my van all went on at once. I thought it was a sign. Be it supernatural or an accident because of the bumpy road (unlikely but I guess possible), it was still a sign.

When I got far enough down the hill to see my uncles cabin I saw a lot of cars and headlights. I pulled up next to my aunt and the nurses car. I walked past his kids standing outside. My Aunt was standing next to his bed and she turned around to see who was there. She said, "you knew when I left the message didn't you." I shook my head and went to my uncles bedside. I'd never seen a dead body before, let alone kiss one. It's so much less weird or odd when it's someone you know and love. I kissed his head several times. I told him how the kids will miss him so much and how it wouldn't be the same without him. I looked up at my grandma and chatted with her for a minute. I went outside, and then back in once more to say good-bye.

I told the kids in the morning about 9am after Ricky went off to school. That was a mistake. I had four crying kids and a very confused Layla insisting on wanting to go see Uncle Doyle "right now!" I packed the kids up and headed down the hill to find my family. The kids settled down and we all had breakfast and talked.

I'm so thankful we had so many good years here with him. The older kids will remember him. Layla probably will not, but I'll know that she knew him, and I can one day tell her about when she morned him. Penelope will never know him but he left his stamp by nicknaming her. When she was about 5 months old I was walking past and he said, "ol' Pah-nelly, huh?" and it has stuck ever since. He said "huh" to you all the time. His most known phrase was, "Whaddya think, huh?" (Or sometimes to a woman - "whaddya think dear?)

Death is so strange and it stirs up many thoughts about mortality. Charlotte and I talked about how without death there would be no birth, and we found a small amount of comfort in that.

August turned bad

For once I'm not worried about the laundry. Usually if clean laundry piles up in my room waiting to be folded I think about it everyday and sigh at night if I go to bed without folding it. I looked at the laundry tonight as I'm getting ready for bed and I thought to myself, 'I don't even care about the laundry.' There is too many other things going on.

This month is not a good one. I'd like to throw it back. I'm ready for the next one now please. I'm on the verge of that hopeless feeling. But so many positive and happy things are in my head, I just wish bad stuff would keep happening.

This month Ricky bizarrely had every wire ripped from our minivan when he had a blow out (and near accident) on I44. His car doesn't have air, so he was taking the van during this heat wave. Ricky is embarking on a brand new experience with graduate school, I can feel the stress and sense the toll driving to St Louis is taking on him. I have my own problems because I have been emotional, hormonal, and at times a bitch.

I told Ricky it was because I was ovulating. To which he replied, "You've been ovulating for 3 weeks!" LOL.

All in all Ricky's school is going good, so far. The workload hasn't started yet. We are both a little worried because this is not going to be easy. This program is intensive. He's earning a Masters of Science in Finance degree in 10 months. I'm sure he'll do great with the workload, but it's the family thing that will be hard on us both. His first day he found out he is one of 250 applicants for this program, 33 of which were accepted. He is also the only one married and that has children which was a fun fact. There are 10 woman in the program, the rest men.

So back to the van I got sidetracked.
I shrieked as Ricky talked to the insurance company about our van (twice now) for various reasons. Our insurance company won't fix it because it's a total loss and "not worth" fixing. It's because our van has so many miles on it. It's an awesome and well cared for minivan though, which is still under warranty. We are working on getting a new van. We have one picked out.

Sage (7) got very sick over the past couple days. Our relaxing Sunday at home turned into a trip to the emergency room. It's a long story but he ended up having strep throat and severe tonsillitis. He had near tennis ball size lumps in his neck (We thought it was mumps for half of a day). For me to go to the emergency room (we mainly did so because it was a Sunday so our Dr wasn't in) says it must have been bad. He was given an antibiotic IV in the hospital. Him and Layla (who insisted on going with us) were given Popsicle's and cartoons. It was a great hospital (Sullivan Baptist). They were very kind there. I was not hassled for not vaxing, and the on call doc was shocked Sage had never been on any antibiotics (except for an abscessed tooth.) The doc kept asking if Sage had ever had tonsillitis or strep before. I had to keep saying no no no. I can not, like many of us, imagine what it was like when people used to just get infections and die. I bitch about modern medicine a lot, but I am thankful for a lot too. I always want to make that clear.

What modern medicine can't do
My Uncle Doyle is dying of lung cancer. He lives here at the resort. He is in his 70's and the life of the party. I've never had a family member die like this. He is dying, and it's starting to hit us all. Death is bad enough but when you have to watch it... it seems so unbearable. He has 6 months to live. Ethan drew a heart breaking picture yesterday and handed it to me. It said get well on it. It had a stick person and a cigarette in a crossed out circle. It is so hard explaining to kids when someone just isn't going to get well.

Udate about my uncles cancer 8/23/07:
my uncle has now been given 30-60 days to live. The cancer is very aggrestive and he is worse than he was even 1 weeks ago. *Sigh* I felt like I was punched in the belly hearing that. It's starting to really become real now.