When your kids break your heart

Last week was a hard week. I weaned Penelope (22 months old) because I'm out of milk. Still.

I comfort nursed her as long as I could (for at least 4 months with really low or no milk) but I got to the point where the 'suck, suck suck, and no swallow' just was too painful (and at times irritating). It had nothing to do with being sore from the pregnancy, that sensitivity ended long ago. If you don't know what I mean "dry nursing" gets quite painful after a short while because there is no milk let-down and there is no swallow break between sucking. She was sticking it out though and didn't mind, and either did I until it continued to hurt and I'd get sharp pains in my breast from nursing too long --especially during the night stretches.

I've never been this sad about a child weaning. I'm not sure why. I have that 'she'll never nurse again she's so big now' gloomy feeling.

The actual weaning went smoothly. She was as ready as possible because she didn't fight it hardly at all. Had she fought it too hard I would have given in. But now it's been a week and she is sleeping so good at night with us (in her own bed in our room) and she's less clingy on me during the day and wants to be carried around less. My left hip/back is less sore because I don't have the added weight to carry around as often. But, I miss her. I cried a couple times last week and almost nursed her when she got a cold and got hurt. It's such a quick fix for everything. That bond is a powerful, powerful force. She brings me her baby dolls to nurse still but she hasn't asked to nurse since day 3 or 4 of our "official"weaning.

Layla weaned for a short time before Penelope was born (2-3 weeks) but then started nursing again when Penelope was born. So I'm half thinking that could happen again, and I might let it. I'll just have to see how it goes. Tandem nursing was really rewarding. Watching as Layla and Penelope -eyes closed and both nursing on a side- reached for each other and held hands is a image of mothering I'll never forget. And a feeling I'll never stop cherishing.

Ricky was really sweet and helpful last week. I laid down with Penelope and Layla and got them to sleep one night, then I got up unexpectedly and told Ricky I was so sad for weaning Penelope and started crying. He wrapped his arms around me and explained all the things I already knew. :) That my body was telling me something if it hurt that much, that she is doing great and that soon she'd be back to snuggling with me. (She hasn't been very snugly or affectionate since there's no nursies to draw her in!) All that made me feel better. Just having sympathy and hugs made me feel better.

I also feel "bad" that I'm "replacing" her with a new baby. Which I never felt that way with Layla and Penelope. So we talked about that too. I think what we have here is me realizing that this is the end of babies for me. For real. We said we were done with Penelope, but there was always this unspoken (and sometimes spoken) aura of another baby being out there for us. So lots of emotions right now, changes in life in general right now, and finally I'm seeing how fast these kids are growing up. I'm getting older and I feel it, and someday my babies -and kids- will be grown. It's all too much for a hormonal 37 week pregnant woman to think about.

To top it off Layla turned 4 last week. And made me cry 3 times! Layla is a very particular child. She's moody, fierce, and has fluctuating attitude "problems." (She's me when I was a kid!) I planned her two parties (one with her friends at playgroup, one at home with her dad because he could not come to playgroup). I worked really hard on planning her exactly what she wanted, getting her presents, Etc..

Well when I went to give her one early birthday present last week she threw it at me and said she didn't like it. (My kids just DO NOT do stuff like that! But she did.) Her dad talked to her about it and she said she was sorry. Then once more she was really hurtful/mean to me because I told her no and she pinched my belly and made me cry.

I was SO close to cancelling her playgroup birthday party but kept it on anyway. At her party she had a lot of fun but wouldn't tell anyone thank you, which bugged me, but she did say it was because she was too shy. It's so strange how she gets shy and embarrassed around others but at home she's a crazy person demanding attention! At least she expressed her feelings to me and didn't act up about it though. I just told everyone thank you for her like she asked me to.

The next day was her actual birthday (Aug 1) and we had a home party (just us) she was happy and having fun. Her dad got home and gave her a present. Then the boys and I decorated her cake (a surprise cake decorated with The Littlest Pet Shop birthday figures). We came out to sing to her and she wouldn't look at her cake. Apparently we caught her too off guard or something and she was quiet and didn't want to blow her candles out. She looked miserable. We helped her blow them out and they re-lit many times because they were trick candles. That made her giggle at least. Everyone ate cake and ice cream, she said she didn't like the cake... and I went to the bedroom and cried.

Nothing I can do will make this child happy sometimes. This has been since she was a newborn... this personality is NOTHING new it's just finally hurting my feelings to the point where I cry. When you give so much of yourself to your kids and then they treat you badly it just sucks and hurts so much...plus I'm more hormonal right now remember.

Ricky talked to her again after he heard me crying. She came into the room and looked sad, then cried and gave me a hug. So we cried for a bit together. Then we talked. I told her I just wanted to make her birthday special and I didn't think she liked it and she was being so mean. She wailed, "I do like it! I do!" And that made me feel better. She's been much better and kinder ever since. Ricky told me he did not tell her to come into the room and hug me or say sorry. He just told her I was very sad and why I was. So she did that all on her own. Which made me feel even better!

Penelope just now woke up and crawled onto my lap smiling. She put her head down on me briefly and then she wants up. I'm not ready for her to get up yet. She and I are still getting used to this new weaning thing. We both look at each other like we aren't sure what to do because morning nursing at the computer was something we did everyday FOR SO LONG. So now we need to get up and color a picture and get some juice.

Too many changes around here lately... it's okay. It's just so different.

Some gripes about adjusting

Well Ricky is done with school. He is done and at work full time this week. HOOOORAY. Today is his birthday. The kids and I are going to get a few birthday things today and hopefully have a mini party for him tonight. He won't be home until 7 or 8 though.

There are some things really frustrating me and I'm trying very hard not to let them. For example I'm freaking sick of him commuting, already. (Well he's been doing it over a year already.) I want to move closer to the city because getting up at 5am sucks. (I don't always get up with him but I do a lot.) And he doesn't get home until 7 or 8pm. I am also already frustrated at our mounting bills (loans, more insurance, and looking at buying a car for Ricky. Oh, and $900 in gasoline per month). We have more money, but more bills. Isn't that life. We are 600 dollars over budget according to the budget maker online that I attempted to use. (Whhhhat?!) And no savings #@! Arugh...
One thousand dollars a month on food expenses (inc. cat/dog food and misc household type stuff) and then another 700-1000 dollars a month in student loans does not help things. The Explorer Ricky currently drives is costing us 900 dollars per month in gasoline (hence the looking for a new car thing). This stuff is STRESSING me out. Ricky keeps dropping quiet hints about me shopping at Whole Foods less. (I don't go that much)

Ricky is so mellow about it all though. I asked him why he's not more frustrated while trying to get over this hump we seem to need to get over. He said, "I've been waiting 10 years so what's waiting a little longer. It's a process, and we have to take it one step at a time." I love him and his positively too mellow and totally content attitude. Even if it is sickening sometimes.
:)

Well now that I've written out the frustrations I can focus on the positive; like how he got a job before graduation. How he got a good job that he likes with lots of growth potential. We are all healthy and happy and the new baby will be here sometime at the end of next month. I also need to remember we don't even have a real schedule or anything down yet. We are just starting off with all of these brand new changes and bills. I'm just not good at adjustment periods.

One other thing that is bothering me is that Penelope Juliet is making me crazy. She wants to nurse and I have no milk this late in this pregnancy. Instead of giving up and loosing interest, as I've been now waiting for her to do for at least 6 weeks, she just hangs on and decided a nursie with no milk is better than no nursie at all. In fact right now she's pitching a total fit about nursing so I gotta go. She is trying to mimic her sister and suck her thumb sometimes but she just doesn't like it or get it. So she pops her thumb in and out of her mouth and the two girls giggle about it. But, she is clearly looking for a way to self soothe and she's having trouble.

Also, the older kids want to learn about the Empire State Building and today is library/craft day... and I need to update homeschool blog with some adorable photos.

Mama and babies

I updated my website's pregnancy page today and added a new photo Charlotte took of me outside yesterday. The photo is also below. She had fun snapping photos yesterday and I was glad to get one of me in my too small swimsuit. (not a maternity suit lol)

Charlotte also took a photo of me nursing Penelope and Layla getting hair. For those that don't know Layla has a hair thing. She has loved my hair since she was a newborn (and thumb sucking). She grabs it, holds it, caresses it, twists it, and smells it. It's her comfort. So this second picture is so much of what mothering these two girls is for me, nearly a constant of me giving myself to them. I love them dearly and one day they will be grown. No matter how tired or worn I may get I remember that above all else.

I also updated the homeschool blog.

Last week Ricky's first week of work went great. He likes it, he likes the people. It isn't exactly "work" yet. He doesn't have a computer yet and he has mostly been doing reading, tutorials, meeting with people, sitting in on meetings, and so forth. Everyone there sounds really nice. Today was his first early day (last week he got to go in at 10am). School is also going well for him. This is his last week, then finals! Then done!

This week I am going to continue decluttering, taking the kids to the library, going to drive 1.5 hr to Whole Foods, going to our homeschool summer solstice party, and going to the Friends of Missouri Midwives Picnic. Hopefully it will be a fun week and not too exhausting...

Bill Maher: breastfeeding is like masturbation

This didn't make me angry, it made me really sad. You can watch the segment from Bill Maher's HBO special on youtube but here are the highlights to save you time, Bill Maher says:

"I'm not trying to be insensitive, your baby needs to eat, but so do I. If I'm at Applebee's, I'm already a little nauseous. Let's not add to it!"

"Breastfeeding a baby is an intimate act and I don't want to watch strangers performing an intimate act...unless I'm paying for it."

"it's natural" is wrong because, hey, "so is masturbating".

"There's no important principle at work here other than being too lazy to plan ahead or cover up."

"It's not fighting for a right, it's fighting for the spotlight. When you go all Janet Jackson on everyone and get to drink in the "oohs" and "ahhs" from other customers because you made a baby. Something a DOG can do."

"This isn't about women taking their breasts out in public, as much as I like that. It's about how petty and parochial our causes have become. How activism has become narcissism."

"There is a place where breasts and food go together...it's called Hooters."

"Next thing you know women will want to be giving birth at the waterfall at the mall!"

He also incorrectly states that the Applebees nurse-in was the first ever nurse-in.

Several of these comments hit me where it hurt. Particularly that I'm doing something a dog can do. I'm wondering why he feels so hateful to women and mothers. 2 points for misogyny.

Free the Midwives in Missouri and World Breastfeeding Week

Life has been very busy! This past week in addition to normal everyday things we went to the Capital (Jefferson City) and went to world Breastfeeding Week Picnic in Rolla. You can view more pictures here
I'm going to start keeping a page of activism type photos.

The rally at the capital was a great experience for the kids. It was fun but a hot day! If you want to know more about current midwifery issues in Misssouri here are some links: Friends Of Missouri Midwives , Politics Blog , Dr's Try to Block Midwives Law STLtoday
The most amazing thing was that my husband and I got to see the Business of Being Born documentary, compliments of Ricki Lake. She issued a statement of support for Missouri too. The film was great and was donated before it's release and for free. It was very nicely done. There were things I didn't care for (after all I am an unassisted birther at heart!)BUT, all in all it was fantastic. It will be released this fall I hear. I was elated to be in a room with 3 of my closest girl friends AND my husband to see the film and rally at the capital. It was very special to me.

The World Breastfeeding Week picnic was fun. I got to hang out with good friends, have good food, and support breastfeeding!